guilty jealousy.

Just sitting here waiting for class to start. I should be picking a primary source to use as material for my research paper.

Research paper. How college does that sound? But that's not what this is about.

This is about how horrible I feel when I creep on facebook and then get jealous of the lives that my friends are living.
I know I shouldn't. I should be happy for them that they're living the life. And I am! I really am.

But that doesn't stop me form feeling the way I do. I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean.

You know, the waves are crashing all around you and moving so fast, and you're trying your damnedest to get somewhere. But you just can't seem to move forward, you're only preventing yourself from moving back.

A stationary bike would also be a good metaphor, but only if everyone around you had regular bikes.

Anyway, the point: Everybody seems to be living life. They travel and do awesome things and have to go out with other people.

I barely see my own family. I shit you not, there was a whole 2 day period where I didn't see my mom at all. We live in the same house. We are fairly close to each other. And I hadn't see or spoken with her in a full 2 DAYS. As for travel: I travel to UH 5 times a week. There's my travel.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was going to go see The Perks of Being a Wallflower (which was fantastic by the way. If you loved the book, then you will love the movie) as a personal treat because I just hadn't gotten a break. I just felt like I deserved it. Then I felt like my mother, who always talks about those things.

My life is just a blur of work and school and responsibility. And that's just not something that I'm used to.

I want to go places and do things! I know that it'll "come later" and "in the long run you'll get it" and "this and that". But I don't want to wait. I just want to have some fun. A weekend trip to San Antonio even. Maybe after I pay off UH.

Until then I'll just have to begrudgingly like pictures of my friends' travels while secretly wishing that they didn't have the time or money to do any of it.

I even felt bad typing that last sentence.