I finished this last semester with the best grades I've ever gotten. That's not an exaggeration.
3 A's, 2 B's and, unfortunately, a C. But I'll take it over the D I thought I was going to get. My semester GPA was a 3.41. Around this time 3 years ago, I realized that I was suspended from OSU.
What a turn around. Who knew that all it took to pass school was showing up and doing the work?
It only took 3 years to figure out. Better late than never I suppose.
I applied to transfer to UH. About 2 weeks ago I got the letter that I didn't get accepted. My dad wasn't even mad at me. He knew that, this time, it wasn't my fault. After looking into it, I found out that UH got the wrong transcript; it didn't have my most recent grades recorded. So I did the transfer appeal with a shiny, new, and updated transcript. I'll find out if I get accepted on June 20th. That's 21 days from now. 3 weeks.
And if I don't?
I'm wondering the same thing. I've been wondering that since my first rejection letter. In my arrogance, I just assumed that I would be accepted. I never paused to think "What if I don't?". Would I just go somewhere else? I don't want to go somewhere else. I don't want to set my sets on something, and then force myself to have a change of heart. Again. Every time I want to transfer, something has happened. My grades weren't good enough, they didn't tell me I have to fill out that form!, my grades weren't good enough, that transcript didn't get sent there?, my grades. And at the end of the day, all I can do is blame myself. Because I fucked up. I chose to skip class. I chose to not do the work; to not put in any effort whatsoever. And now I'm stuck and practically forced my father to take out a loan to pay off OSU.
I haven't even talked to anyone because what do I say? How does that work into a cheery conversation? And who the fuck am I supposed to talk to? I can't talk to my family. I hate to talking to friends about it because it's nobody's problem but my own. And the one person I might be able to talk to has just been flaking every time I ask to hang out.
I can't sit by myself and brood somewhere. My room is currently occupied by cousin, so I sharing my mom's room. I won't have the house to myself because summer started. And the only things that I'm happy doing are illegal or only take place twice a week. I still don't have a job.
So what do I do? Can someone just please tell me what to do? Because I'm sick of getting my hopes up. Because I'm tired of doing this by myself even though I'm too stubborn to turn to someone.
It's summer. It shouldn't be going like this. I should be happy that I'm going to 4 year university, and hanging out with my friends.
Friends. I feel like I don't have any. I alienate myself? I don't know, but something's not right.
My thoughts aren't even in order right now.
So it's summer. And all I do is go about my day. With this...anxiety. That tightness in my chest. I don't know how to explain it. It's just....tight and kind of empty all at the same time. And I don't know what to do. And I'm tired of disappointment. And tired of disappointing others. And it's weird that I'm just typing all of this. And that people who I don't even talk to anymore might read it. And that total strangers might read it. And that I still haven't actually, physically told someone.
I just sit here and internalize until I'm inside out.
I heard this sort of thing was supposed to be cathartic. But I just feels worse because it's all at the surface. Just sitting there waiting to be dealt with.
I'm going to go eat dinner. I'm going to go hang out with a friend. I'm going to smoke a cigarette or 2 or half a pack. I'm to forget about this. I'm going to focus on my show.
It's summer.
